I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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