Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
