I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
