exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
