I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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