just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
