So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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