He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
