i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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