Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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