My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
