Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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