Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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