Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
