I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
