Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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