I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I enjoy the company of your penis
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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