How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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