we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No subtext here. People are naked.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
