If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
