My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
