so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
