That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
