i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
