I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
