How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
