high people should be assigned attendants
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
