Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
