I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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