Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
