Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
