Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
