I think i peed on brittanys purse
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
