Define "chronic" masturbator.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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