just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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