my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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