I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
