apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
