You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
