Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
