so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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