Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
