hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
