after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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