just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
