i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
