I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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