my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I want her autograph on my taint
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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