Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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