i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i think my mom watched the whole time
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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