took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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