the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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